The Hamster Wheel of Life

It is has been way to long since I've posted something.

Sorry everyone.

I looked back and the last time I posted was at the end of March. Yikes.

So much has happened during these past months, and I don't even know where to start...I think I have "analysis paralysis", or "workload paralysis" or

Which way do I go???

"functional freeze", or "stress paralysis". There are lots of names for this phenomenon.

It is that feeling there is so much to do (or in this case say) that you can't even start, because you are stressed out by all you want to do (or say).

Yup, that's where I've been. But in this case...it is more like option overload. So I write about something, and half way through it shifts to some other topic, so I start a new blog post, and on and on.

I have like 8 posts started, and none of them finished. Maybe it is my undiagnosed ADHD talking...but it is never ending. And lately, I just haven't had the time to sit down for an hour an put all my thoughts on screen in a coherent sentence.

But I have a little time right now, and dammit I'm going to finish it. Hopefully it will make sense.

So today, I'm going to hit some highlights about stress and feeling overwhelmed, because that is where I am at...today.

I'm going to start with back to school...and eventually get to all the other stuff going on, including an amazing trip to Scotland (but all those things will probably be in other posts).

First day of school. B (left)) going into 10th grade, and J (right) is a senior!

The boys went back to school last week. I now have a senior and sophomore in high school! I still have no idea how that happened. Wasn't COVID just 2 years ago? Nope...it was almost 6! And they were in elementary school when that fiasco hit.

Both boys were stressed out about the new school year in their own way. J got angry at the slightest thing. I think he knew that he would have to "be on" while in school, and just didn't want to deal with it. He can't just hide in a corner and be anti-social (like he does at home). I know it is hard for him with the autism and ADHD to go from class to class, and be flexible with the many changes going on, but he does it.

When he gets home, he needs to take a break from always working hard to stay focused and flexible. We try to accomodate, but sometimes, he just needs to get his stuff done, and do it without being a pissy, hormonal teenage boy.

He's a work in progress, (as we all are) but he does so well adjusting to everything life throws at him. We don't know what next year will look like, but we are enjoying the ride while it lasts. Hopefully we can agree on what the best "next steps" will be.

B on the other hand has been an emotional mess. He "just wants to be a kid".

He is so mature...smart, funny, uses big words, and tall!!! He could probably pass for 20, but he's not 16 yet. His friends are talking more and more about cars, and girls, and the things that teenage boys talk about.

Sometimes a bike ride and some ice cream makes everything better.

He has no interest at this point.

And so the days leading up to school starting were filled with emotion. He misses his friends that moved away over the summer. He misses his teachers that had retired, or moved away. He is worried he will disappoint people if he decides he doesn't want to do an Eagle Project for Scouts.

Yes, there were tears. And hugs.

And I'm looking into some "help" for him.

But now that school has started, he is a changed boy. Gone are the tears, the anxiety, the sadness. He is excited about school, his classes, seeing his friends, his new teachers. He is working on his project (with some gentle nudging). He is back to the B we know and love.

Even if he still wants to be a 6 year old, and cuddle up with me. He may look like a mature young man, but inside he is still just a little kid.

Kinda like his mom? Ha!

We all know change is hard. Even harder if you have something like autism or ADHD. Or are a teenager or menopausal woman.

Maybe that's why it has been so difficult to start and finish something. Everytime I think I have a handle on my life, I get thrown a curveball.

And usually I'm juggling everyone's elses anxiety, problems, and trying to make things better, and I neglect my own.

Here's the thing...some of these changes are huge--like changing my job or Menopause. But many are small, like having to go to a second grocery store for an ingredient or trying to get a hold of the oral surgeon to schedule wisdom teeth removal (still waiting for a response) or asking someone else to plan dinner since I've been working all weekend, and the rest of the family isn't.

And sometimes, its those small ones that throw you for a loop.

For instance, I was looking forward to getting my hair cut this week. Those few minutes, while Mike cuts my hair, is like weight coming off my shoulders.

Getting my haircut during Covid...only 3 weeks between haircuts at this time. And we ended up cutting a little more off after this.

Now, as you know, I have short hair. And I get it cut every four weeks. The amount of hair on the floor after my haircut looks as if someone just shaved a sheep dog.

I have thick hair that most would kill for. And it grows fast.

By week 3 I'm losing my mind because my cowlicks are doing the weird things that cowlicks do, and it is so long and thick, that anyway I try to style it lays flat--except for the cowlick.

Anyway...I went in and was so excited to have 4 pounds of hair taken off my head.

Then Mike told me that the building he works in was sold unexpectedly. He isn't sure if he will retire, or rent a chair somewhere, or what he will do.

Again...not a major change. I've been seeing Mike (or someone in his family) for 25 years. But...and the ladies can attest to this, getting a new hairstylist is a huge deal.

We talked, we hugged. He said he'd call me if he got a spot somewhere, and we'd schedule a trim.

Great.

I got in the car, and started to drive home, and I began to cry. I have to "train" another stylist to cut my hair? WTF?

With all the changes the past couple of weeks (back to school, change in schedules, and more change in schedules, and moodswings--both the boys and mine), this was the last straw.

Instagram meme...if that isn't spot on!

You know the saying "the straw that broke the camels back"? I guess that was the straw.

By the time I got home, I had cried it out, and was onto the anger phase...but more towards the stupid drivers that needed to pass me on a double yellow than my hairdresser.

Hello...I'm already going 10 over the speed limit, what more do you want from me?

Change just sucks. And it doesn't get any easier.

Sometimes we just need to "embrace the suck" and move past it. There are lots of ways to do it. Therapy, exercise, alcohol. All are options...some better than others.

I've been doing the exercise option more and more. With trying (still) to lose weight, that is the most logical choice. And fortunately, as long as I'm not running, I can talk it out at the same time with either friends, or family.

It is mostly PT type exercises for my shoulder and back...but we've been adding in more and more strength, lifting heavy-ish (which is important for us old ladies).

And it has worked...I'm definitely stronger on my bike rides, even if the pounds aren't melting away. But muscle weighs more than fat...right?

I have lost almost 25 pounds since the beginning of the year, and would love to lose about 20 more.

Isle of Harris Gin, with Walt Gregor's Tonic.

And some Scottish gin is just delightful as well. I'm using all those options.

When I feel overwhelmed like I have been the past few days, I look to Ferris Bueller. At the end of the movie, he looks into the camera and says, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

That is the quote that often will get me back on track. I will stop. I will slow down. I will smell a flower. I'll take a breath.

I will stop stressing the small stuff, and remember (in the grand scheme) it's all small stuff.

In the moment, of course the problem is the most important thing in the world. But stopping for just a second, taking a deep breath (or screaming into a pillow), can help take the weight off your shoulders.

Maybe not as good as a haircut, but it helps.

September in my mind is the beginning of autumn, which is my favorite time of year, for many reasons, and not only because kids go back to school.

The cooler evenings, and warm, (but not too warm) low humidty days are lovely. Even though the sun goes down earlier and earlier, I still can get out for a bike ride or walk.

Lights are an amazing invention.

Then the leaves start to change. There are harvest festivals and fairs. Pumpkins (NOT pumpkin spice), and mums.

It is a bonanza of oranges, reds, and yellows.

Its all about changing. And growing. And becoming something new in the spring.

Being overwhelmed at times is part of being an adult. And adulting is hard. But the changes that make us overwhelmed are necessary, and in the long run are often good for us.

So for now, I'll try to listen to Ferris Bueller and stop for a moment.

Then get back on the hamster wheel of life and start looking for a new hairdresser.