This past week has sucked.
Let me rephrase. The past week has been quite enjoyable. We've had lots of snow. I've played with my boys, inside and outside, and we have just enjoyed family time.
But, inside me, I am not good.
I am scared.
It is the end of February. Even though the Covid numbers have come way down in our state, and efforts to vaccinate everyone has ramped up, I fear the racing season still may not happen.
And because the light at the end of the tunnel is so faint, my motivation to train more consistently has gone out the window.
And I mean, completely gone out the window.
I have no desire to swim, bike or run currently...and that is just not me, at all.
I am usually game for at least a short run, or bike ride on the trainer.
But, I just don't feel it. Maybe it is because we are in the midst of winter...it is cold, and snowy, and icy. It is still dark at 5pm. And, there are still many businesses that are closed or open with limited operations. The gyms are only partially open. Swimming is by appointment only, and the slot is for a half hour.
I'm scared because I've lost my "will" to train.
I'm scared that because I'm not training, if the race season does happen, I won't be prepared.
I'm scared that I will bust my ass, and the race season doesn't happen.
I'm scared of putting my family through my Ironman training, and then it doesn't happen.
I'm scared that someone is trying to tell me something (the universe does not want you to do an Ironman?).
I'm scared of getting hurt.
I'm scared of failing.
I just want to curl up in a little ball and not worry about anything. Maybe I just want to be a mom, and not be a triathlete, an employee, a "fill in the blank".
I've read all kinds of self-help, self-motivate, self-appreciate books. I don't remember any talking about being scared.
Now the biographies...those talk about being scared.
Everyone has something different to motivate them: Overcoming an illness, a trauma, a tough childhood, proving something to yourself.
There is something driving us all.
I'm just not sure what is driving me anymore.
I fear the delay in the season due to Covid has messed up my mojo.
I fear the athlete gods have squashed my desire to compete.
"Fear is the path to the dark side," as Yoda says. "I sense much fear in you."
I sense a lot of fear in me too.
Yoda also says, "The greatest teacher, failure is."
I know this feeling is temporary. But I need to get my head straightened out. And quick.
Every day that passes, is a day closer to the BHAG.
And maybe deep down that is what is scaring me. The BHAG.
The BHAG is supposed to be scary. That I can handle (I think). But the fact I have no desire to do anything athletic/physical that just makes no sense to me.
There is a saying, "do something that scares you everyday." I agree with this.
It can be something small, like making a phone call, or saying no to something or someone. Or something big, like signing up for a race that is definitely a stretch. But I knew last year I wanted it. I knew it was scary, and I could feel the fire in my heart wanting to go for it.
I don't feel the fire right now.
I know I am not the only one. Several of my friends feel the same way. The past year has worn us all down. I feel better knowing that I am not the only one that is "done".
I am hopeful that on March 1, when my coach and I come together to begin training that the fire will come back. I am hopeful that I just need a plan to go with the goal. I need someone to tell me what to do (even though I know what to do...for the most part). I am hopeful that the fire will return and overcome the fear.
A light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. (John 1:5)
A healthy dose of fear is good. Being scared is good.
If this fear doesn't go away by April, I'm screwed.
By writing these words, I already feel "better". I still don't have a desire to go do something, but I know I will.
Master Yoda also says, "Named must be your fear before banish it can."
I am hopeful, and I have faith. And now I need to name this fear so I can banish it.