I'm lost.
Seriously, even though the BHAG is out there, it's "out there". It's too far out of reach at the moment to push me.
Instead, I'm "floundering"
I looked up the definition of floundering. According to dictionary.com, floundering means "to struggle clumsily or helplessly."
That sounds about right.
I feel oftentimes helpless. Everything is out of my control, and it sucks.
I'm trying to do all the right things. Eat healthy, exercise, not watch the news, wear a mask, wash my hands a thousand times a day, social distance, go down the aisles at the grocery store the right way...but I oftentimes feel like no one else is trying to do "the right thing."
Don't get me wrong. I want this pandemic to end...like yesterday. I hate wearing a mask. I hate that my kids have to wear a mask. I (at times) don't like having everyone home all the time. I don't like not seeing my friends or family except on zoom. And even then...zoom sucks!
I get upset that I have to go all the way down a different aisle, so I can pick up what I need on a different aisle in the grocery store. I also get angry when others don't.
I understand those out there who feel their "freedoms" are violated by being told by the government to stay home, to shut down their businesses, to wear a mask.
I get it. And I agree to a point.
I also get that unless we use some common sense and stay away from each other now, then later we can have the big parties and gatherings. Some of us have a lack of common sense.
We are not a patient people.
Which may be why I am floundering.
When you work hard toward something, you expect to see a result. And it typically should be a positive result. I am finding that no matter what I do, the result is the same. Blah!
In the early days of the pandemic, I continued to work out consistently, I ate well, I did all the things I had done previously. And I felt, blah. I was getting the "baby belly" back.
Then as spring moved into summer, I didn't eat as well, all my races were cancelled, so I stopped working out as consistently, margaritas and ice cream became a staple of my diet. The "baby belly" didn't get any bigger, but it sure wasn't going away.
Now, at the end of fall, I have reversed my ways. I haven't had a "drink" in quite some time. The ice cream is gone, as is the chocolate and cookies. I'm eating healthier again. But I still feel like crap. I'm tired, my whole body hurts. I'm sleeping horrible.
I have since learned that part of this is me. I'm changing. And it also has to do with stress.
Stress produces cortisol, the "fight or flight" hormone. When you are perimenopausal, that sure doesn't help. Your hormones, especially the ones that help balance out the cortisol, are on the decline. High stress, plus declining hormones equal fat tummy. Well that doesn't help my attitude.
But I know it has to do with Covid. Many people have gone through moments where they felt despondent, like the whole world was crashing down on them. It has been shown that there have been "adverse mental health conditions associated with Covid-19." And that was from a CDC report from the end of June!
No wonder I feel blah! I'm just a late bloomer!
We are social creatures. I witnessed this "adverse condition" with my youngest, B, during the spring. He is a very social kid. And not being able to see his friends was not good. Even the zoom meet ups was not the same. He is also a hugger, so he really does not like the social distancing! But he is back in school (thank God), and he is so much better because of it.
The point is, we all are going through stuff. Whether it is related to Covid or not.
I'm not exactly sure where I am going with this, but the fact is, sometimes life is just hard. There are days when you just don't want to get out of bed. But we do anyway...it is called "adulting". And it sucks...big time.
That's where I am at right now. I don't want to adult anymore. I was to stay in bed all day watching Star Wars movies, cartoons, the Mandalorian, you name it. I don't want to do the laundry, or cook, or go to the freaking grocery store.
November is usually when I start to get excited for the next year. The holidays are coming, and training starts back up. But the anticipation is gone. And that is what is making this time so hard for me.
So, I decided to make myself get going again. I signed up for a 5k to be run on New Years Day. I know its not big...I run 3 miles all the time. And it's virtual, so no start line or crowds, but I put down $30 for this. So, I will do it. It will give me something to look forward to, until 2021 starts, and the real training begins. And I need something right now.
Is it going to be great? Probably not. Will I have a PR? Definitely not. But, it will give me a goal. And that is something that I have discovered I need.
I'm also hoping that this will help me get out of my funk that I'm in.
The other day, I went for a short run. I brought J with me. He rode his bike, and talked the entire time. It was great. It took my mind off the millions of other things that needed to be done.
He talked about trains (of course), and about pandemics. He fortunately doesn't ask a lot of questions, except for the occasional, "right, Mom?". He just shares the knowledge that is in his head, and pedals. All with a smile.
I know I will make it through this time. It could be a whole lot worse (did I just jinx myself). I will bide my time, do the best I can, not beat myself up, and keep on movin' on.
It will be 2021 before I know it.