Ok...my last post was a little rough. Sorry.
You see, part of this Ironman / BHAG / blog journey is not only to document this crazy journey (life), but the good as well as the bad stuff. That was some of the bad. My bad.
A few days have gone by, and I had time to reflect, run and eat ice cream. I feel better. I spent today doing a lot of the same stuff as my other "day off".
But this time...it started off differently.
I went to yoga.
I haven't had the opportunity to go to a regular yoga class since, I don't remember when. A good friend of mine teaches a class at the local Y. It has not fit into my schedule lately. Finally it has.
It is great. It is the perfect blend of stretching and mindfulness. Just an hour of poses and relaxing and taking time for myself. Something that was missing--even as I was running or biking, or having a socially distanced/virtual book club meeting.
I just breathed. And I realized while lying there, I haven't breathed since COVID hit.
That hour put me in a state of mind where I have now tackled registering the boys for school this year, even though I'm still not sure just what that is going to look like. Registration is all online, which is great, so my right hand doesn't get cramped from filling out forms. This year is an added bonus...reading through all the parent/student handbooks for middle school. That will be an hour and a half that I can't get back.
Instead of getting frustrated by the legal-eeze and repetition of phrases, I just read it and moved along. A flowing river of words, and I'm in a little kayak navigating it all, not stressing, just taking it all in. Enjoying the scenery, excited for J's new adventure. I can't wait to talk to him about the 89 pages I just read.
I've sent off emails to special ed teachers and counselors, asking questions about the coming year since J missed out on the middle school visit before COVID. I really hope he gets a chance to check out the building before the first day of school. Me too.
I've tackled several other details that I've let slip over past few months. I feel like I'm taking some control back.
The book is part biography, part self-help. It is raw, it is humorous. I loved it, even though it made me cry and made me angry and made me deal with some "stuff."
In it I learned I'm a "people pleaser". I will
go out of my way to make sure that everyone is happy, ok, all right. I will jump through hoops to say yes to anything some one asks me to do. Even though it does nothing for me. In fact, I basically made myself miserable. I would avoid certain places or people, because I knew I would cave to a request. Everyone was happy except me.
People were not taking advantage of me. Really. They knew they could count on me to get whatever it was done, done right, done on time. I am positive that they just needed some help, and I was one of many on their lists.
I also learned why I am a people pleaser. I do it to avoid confrontation. It's easier to say yes than no and cause a fight, or have someone not like me, or be a disappointment.
Yup...some childhood baggage.
But I bring this up not to bring up childhood baggage. I bring it up because since I realized I am a people pleaser, I now know that I am a people pleaser, and now I can focus more on the one person I should be pleasing--myself.
I need to take care of myself--hello yoga!
When I take care of myself, I am a better person, and I can then take care of the people I need to take care of. My family, my friends, my coworkers.
I no longer stress out that I make an appointment every once in a while for a massage or a pedicure. I know that going out for a run or bike ride is "self-care". My book club is a lifeline when it comes to taking care of ME!!!
The journey to Ironman is demanding and selfish. I have learned that my family has to pick up a lot of slack. And they are going to have to do it again next year. And I didn't even really get into the hard training by the time everything shut down. It's gonna get bad. But they also know "Mama's gotta take care of herself." She needs her bike rides; she needs her runs; she needs her book club and her Wednesday night group runs, that sometimes end up at the local pub for a socially distanced drinky poo.
So, I hope everyone gets to have an hour of time (or heck even just 10 minutes), where you get to take care of yourself. Whether it is yoga, a massage, a pedicure, a walk with a good friend, or a few minutes in the bathroom with no one yelling for "MOM!"--take a moment. Take a breath. It's all still going to be there when you get back to reality.
I'm so glad I remembered this today. Namaste!